Continuing the "Yes"

What a wild ride the last two months has been!  If you read my last post, I mentioned how God laughs when you make plans.  Gosh, I must crack God up.  Just weeks ago, I would have told you that we were still waiting on news from the Finca, and as soon as we got the go-ahead, I would be hopping on a plane back to Honduras.  And I really thought that.

But when I received that go-ahead, my feelings did not match those thoughts and I was suddenly not so sure that I still wanted to go back.  Not because I had any problems at the Finca, because I loved it there.  My missionary community, the kids, the work we did, everything filled my heart with so much joy.  So why was I feeling this way when I knew we could finally go back?

Something was telling me that I needed to consider staying.  Through lots of prayers, lots of talks with loved ones, and lots of tears, I really struggled with what I should do.  I love the Finca, and I love those kids more than I thought possible.  I do not doubt for a second that being there for that short time was all God's will, but He brought me home unexpectedly, in such seemingly random circumstances, that I needed to intentionally pray and think about why I was brought back to the States in the first place.

Throughout this discernment, I started substituting at St. Charles Borromeo Catholic School here in Oklahoma City.  I started falling in love with those kids and the community that exists there.  I continued to feel this pull to stay where I was and it was getting stronger.  So I made my decision to stay in the States, and wow did the Lord provide.  I was offered (and accepted) a long term substitute teaching position in second grade during the current school year and the full time second grade teaching position for the 2018-2019 school year at St. Charles.

Of course a piece of my heart will always lie in my querido Trujillo, Honduras, but I have so much peace in my heart for so many reasons.  I am close to my family here and I get to continue doing what I love.  Most importantly, I am not saying "no" to Honduras, but I am continuing my "yes."  The same yes that got me to the Finca in the first place is what got me to this point now.  It is that yes that will take me into the next chapters of my life and it is that same yes that gets us to heaven.  That yes is a yes to God's confusing, difficult, exciting, and beautiful plan.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to changes the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can't think of a time in my life when this prayer has been more accurate than right now.  Just two weeks ago, I was living life like normal, or at least what had become normal to me, living on the coast of northern Honduras with 28 children, 12 other missionaries, 7 tias and house parents, and 3 Franciscan sisters.  I was waking up to the sound of crashing waves and crowing roosters. I was eating rice and beans at every meal, washing my clothes by hand, walking across a soccer field to get to our fridge, and taking cold showers.  Life was good and I am confident that I was on the path that God had chosen for me.  That path, or so I thought, was to serve at the Finca until December 2018 or longer.

Just one of the chapels at Missioners of Christ.

But, you know what they say, we make plans, and God laughs.  He had something different in store for me.  On Tuesday, November 28th, shortly after presidential elections in Honduras, our community of missionaries loaded up into a van to go on a retreat in Comayagua, a city about nine hours away from Trujillo.  There we stayed in a very nice retreat center with the Missioners of Christ, had lots of time to pray and reflect, opportunity for daily holy hour(s) and mass, and the food was great I might add.

A few days later, we were informed that protests related to the elections were starting to happen, and that travel might not be safe, so we were instructed to stick around a couple more days.  Great, I thought, an extension on this retreat.  I could use some more prayer and reflection anyway.  From there, things escalated.  A curfew was put on the entire country from 6pm to 6am, roads were closed, toll booths were burned down, and protests, some peaceful and some not, broke out.  Honduras has historically had a pretty high crime rate, but never have they had a breakout like this.  This could be the beginning of a revolution, a dictatorship, a civil war.  No one really knows at this point.

On the roof of the retreat center, ready for morning prayer,
 looking over Comayagua.

I want to be clear that we never felt, nor were we ever, in danger.  The facility at Missioners of Christ, according to their director, is probably the safest building in all of Comayagua, and I'm sure she's right.  Within the tall, cement walls, there was a garden, a basketball court, a chapel, and lots of open space.  We were very safe and very well provided for.

But rather than be confined to this building during the turmoil that was happening outside those walls, we had to get ourselves somewhere.  The Missioners of Christ were already so generous to let us stay longer and took such good care of us, but we couldn't just stay put for an indefinite amount of time.  Between the closed roads, police checkpoints, and bigger protests in the works, travel back to Trujillo did not seem feasible, especially within the time frame we had due to the curfew.  So our only other option was to return to the states until things calm down.  Receiving that news, calling my parents at almost midnight Sunday night needing a plane ticket, realizing I didn't know the next time I would see the kids back at the Finca, was difficult.  It still is.

Two weeks ago, I thought I would be back at the Finca by now.  I thought our community would have piled into one of the cars, practically sitting on top of each other to make the journey into town for mass on Sunday.  I would be teaching science all morning during the weekdays, possibly afternoon at the beach swimming with kids in the ocean, or making sure my lesson plans were good to go for the week.  I would have been playing soccer with some of our girls.

Instead, I arrived at Will Rogers World Airport in Oklahoma City on Tuesday wearing chacos in freezing temperatures.  I got in the car with my dad and cried as I thought about the kids that I have come to love so much over the last two months.  I wonder what they are doing without winter school or their work program, both run by missionaries who aren't there.  I wonder what my soccer girls are doing without their coaches there.  I wonder if kids are frustrated that they still can't check out books from the library.  I wonder when I will get to go back.

I’m left with a lot of emotions.  Sadness that I haven’t seen the kids in much longer than anticipated.  Guilt that I am able to flee from a dangerous situation just because I have a passport that says United States of America.  Gratitude that I get to see family and friends unexpectedly.

Right now, the plan is still to go back, and I have hope that it will be soon after Christmas.  But all I can do right now is wait.  How appropriate in this season of advent that I anxiously wait for good news.  Until then, God is giving me lots of small joys.  One of them is the opportunity to go to North Carolina to meet my month-old niece, Sophia.  I can use this time to organize ideas about the coming school year at the Finca.  I can enjoy the holidays with family, including continuing the tradition of seeing the Nutcracker ballet with my dad like we have every year for the last 15+ years.

Never a dull moment with Casa Santa Teresita
(the name of the missionary house).

The biggest however is the opportunity to grow in faith.  The reason I became a missionary was to say yes to God’s plan for me.  When all this started happening, the first thing I though was, “Wow! I have absolutely no control over this situation.  My only option is to trust God, I have no choice.  How beautiful!”  That became harder to accept when the news got worse and worse, but that was the true test.  Even if I wasn’t exactly thrilled with God’s plan, even if there are really difficult parts (which there always will be) it is so out of our control. But, you know what?  That plan of His is so much better than we could ever imagine.

Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Luke 1:38

If you feel compelled to help, there are a few ways to do so.  You can donate to the Finca, either generally or to my missionary fund.  I’m hoping to really improve the library so your money to my account would certainly go to good use.  The link to do that is on the side of my blog if you are reading from a desktop.  I am also willing to take back donations of pencils, books, tape, or any other small donation you might want to give.  Stay informed!  The state of affairs in Honduras is not getting much media coverage, so do your research.  What is happening in that country is big!  Lastly, pray! Pray for peace in the world and especially in the hearts of the citizens of Honduras, and for wisdom in the minds of their leaders and leaders all around the world.

Well, it’s the end of week two at the Finca, and I have some updates.  We’ve had a busy couple of weeks of job shadowing, orientation, and learning the ropes.  After seeing the different jobs, praying and discerning, and talking to the missionary coordinators, I am officially the school librarian, 3^rd and 4^th grade English teacher, and part time special education teacher.  I will also be a tutor and girls soccer coach.  I have a busy year ahead of me and I am excited to get to serve through all of these things. I have a lot to learn.  But if this is God’s will, then I have peace in my heart knowing that it is good.  Whether I am totally confident in my job or not, it would not be possible without God, so all I can do is offer it up to him and trust.  He is good, and so is his will.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7



Wonderful community of missionaries

Things get started early here, with either Laudes (Morning Prayer) or a communion service at 5:45 in the morning with the whole Finca community.  This allows time for students and teachers to go back home and prepare for the school day which starts at 7:30 and goes until 12:45.  We usually eat lunch and dinner in our houses, so the kids are getting an experience more like a family where they eat with the members of their household with their tias or house parents.  But on Mondays missionaries split up and eat with the kids in their houses. The kids here live in 6 different houses, three for girls divided by age group and three for boys as well.  Then there is the missionary house where, obviously, all of us missionaries live and the convent where our three Franciscan sisters live.

View from the front door of our house.

Afternoons are spent helping kids with homework, doing job related work, doing chores or small jobs, or simply reading or hanging out with the kids. There is a different activity each night like community night for the missionaries, rosary for the Finca community, holy hour, meetings, among other things.  My favorite afternoon activity is taking kids to the beach.  Before coming here I had never been to the beach and now I live on it, and I am not exaggerating when I say that.  We are always sweeping sand out of house and it’s a short 35 steps from our front door to touching the water.  A crab was even found in our garden the other day.  Other creatures found in our house include ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches, iguanas, and lots and lots of geckos.  Not to mention the biggest tarantula I have ever seen that we found in the bathroom the other night.  This thing was bigger than my hand with my fingers spread out.  Luckily our brave hombre, Christopher, caught it between a bucket and a tray and proceeded take it outside and not just release it, but throw it—the tarantula, bucket, and tray altogether—over the fence onto the beach.  I like to think of it this way: our house is abundant in God’s creation.

So here’s to a wonderful year of eating cornflakes every morning and beans every afternoon and night.  A year of being covered in sand, reading by candlelight when the power goes out, and waking up to the sound of the ocean.  A year of smelling like bug spray and men’s deodorant.  My first year of teaching, although I’ll probably be doing more learning than teaching.  Here’s to a year of continuing to learn Spanish, getting to know the kids, living in community with my fellow missionaries, and growing deeper in relationship with the Lord.  I’m already loving every minute of it.

As promised, a beatification update!  I had such an amazing weekend at Lago de Atitlán. The first night we got there, Friday, we took a boat taxi across the lake from Panajachel to our hostel near Santa Cruz.  I was already loving it because it is the prettiest lake I have ever seen.  Not only is the water a beautiful blue, but it is also surrounded by mountains and volcanoes, so what the heck.  And our hostel, instead of being a building, was a covered area looking out over the lake and tents up above also looking out over the lake.  How cool!  The water was also great for swimming so we all jumped in the first night as a thunderstorm rolled in.

But the next day was the big day.  After a slight misunderstanding of how the boats work, we took a boat back to Panajachel, which is on the opposite side of the lake from Santiago Atitlán, and then had to walk to another port and get on a different boat to finally get where we were trying to go.  It ended up being kind of nice that we were a little late thought because when we arrived to town as the beatification was happening, and it was all over the place.  The first thing we saw when we got off the boat was a sign with Father Ruther on it advertising this special day, so naturally I took a picture with it, but they actually were all over the place as we made our way to the church,  Iglesia Parroqial Santiago Apóstol.

As we walked through Santiago Atitlán, everywhere and I mean everywhere, had the beatification playing.  Restaurants, cafés, stores all had EWTN streaming on their TV's and what was really cool was that even people selling stuff on the street had it playing through their speakers, so literally anywhere you walked, you could hear the beatification mass going on.

So we showed up to the Church and find our seats, we were able to get about halfway up to the front, which was pretty good considering the size of their choir and band.  Also for a solid hour and a half, people just kept bringing in more chairs.  I thought it was almost full when we got there so I don't even understand how they possibly fit more people in there.  I don't even really have an estimate for how many people were there, but it was absolutely a fire hazard.  And that isn't counting the overflow outside.

Even though we were late, luckily we were there when Father Stanley Rother (Padre Apla's as the indigenous people called him) was officially declared blessed.  They announced it in the church in Tz'utujil, the Mayan language spoken there, and the church broke out in applause.  From then on until mass in the church there started, it was me leaning over to Cassie (my fellow missionary and Antigua roomie) saying things like, "See that guy? That's my dad!" or "That's my former pastor!" or "That's the priest that baptized me!" and "That's my spiritual director!"  It just went on and on and I was just so excited to be able to be part of this event through the people back in Oklahoma that I am close to and by being able to be where it all began.

I am especially proud of my parents for all the hard work they put into this event.  The countless ours my mom has spent working and planning to help this all come together, and my dad who chanted the gospel in English during mass.  Seriously so cool!

There is a photo that I see a lot of Blessed Stanley Rother of him standing in his rectory, and on a quest to find the bathroom, I stumbled upon that exact spot.  That was unreal.

After mass ended, they had a procession around the town, which was not like one I had seen before.  All the ones I had seen were very solemn, but this was most definitely a celebration.  There was music, jumping, dancing, yelling, horns, the whole nine yards.  I don't have words for how special it was to be there.

Beato Padre Apla's ¡Ruega por nosotros!

Our last day at Lago de Atitlán, we hiked up to a waterfall, which was so cool!  Never mind the fact that instead of a 45 minute hike up a paved path, we literally just hopped from rock to rock up the river and it took us over an hour.  And never mind the fact that we only did this because we didn't see said path on the way up.  It was more fun the way we did it anyway.  Overall a great weekend filled with lots of great memories.

I said goodbye to my Spanish teacher today, which was hard.  She has been so great for me.  She has such a kind heart and sting faith.  Knowing her has been an incredible blessing.

Now, I'm preparing to leave Antigua, my home for the last seven weeks.  I'm feeling all the feelings about it too.  I'm sad to leave this city that I have enjoyed so much.  It's excited to meet the children and my fellow missionaries.  I'm nervous that my Spanish is not good enough.  I'm thankful for the time I have had here in Antigua and for the people I have met.  But I also feel very at peace.  Something that is so important to me and that I try to live by is the example the Virgin Mary sets.

"And Mary said, 'Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be done to me according to your word.' And the angel departed from her."
Luke 1:38

I don't know what is to come in the next few months, in the next year or so.  I don't know the kids yet.  I don't know how often I'll be able to call home.  I don't know who I'm going to share a room with.  There is so much that I don't know.  But I am simply a servant of the Lord.  So whatever his will is, that is what will happen.  And that is all I need to know right now.  Honduras, here we come!

Long post alert, because it's ben a while. Also I ramble a lot in this one, so sorry in advance.  I just have a lot to say.

Some updates from the last couple weeks in Antigua:

• The police were called with a complaint about us setting up hammocks in a public park, which we had absolutely no idea was prohibited, so now we’re wanted in Guatemala (hope mom and dad are proud).  I also fell out of said hammock.  So now it is safely tucked away in my suitcase until I get to Honduras.

Just showing the people what they want to see

• I experience a taste of Honduras with a weekend trip to Copán to see some Mayan ruins and swim in hot springs in the middle of the jungle (casual). In my 24 hours there I met some of the most helpful and friendly people I cross in my travels. I get to live there in less than two weeks!

• I celebrated independence day for Central America, which was a party that went on for days.  There were parades for about three days and on the actual day of independence, the 15th, the parade literally went on all day long. I only lasted about 2 hours at a time. I didn’t know there could possibly be that many school bands in Antigua, but it just never stopped. Something else that never stopped were the fireworks, which kind of just sound like bombs so that took some getting used to. They started at about 5:30 in the morning of Independence Day.



Typical Antigua.  Parade, the famous arch,

and a volcano in the background.

• We all attended the confirmation of my Spanish teacher’s son.  I was so touched to be a part of such a special day for that family.  That being said, everyone here is extremely welcoming.  Our spanish school’s motto is “Mi casa es tu casa” which we hear all the time. Spanish and English speakers alike know this phrase but it is embraced here like I just have not experienced before. Emilia, my spanish teacher has had students before me, and will have students after me, but in my time here, she has welcomed me here, looked out for me, brought me into her home, and loved me.  Not only because she is such a caring person herself, but because that is the way of life here. Another example is my host mom, Chiky. She actually calls me and Cassie “hijas” which just makes my heart melt.

Lastly, I have been reflecting on this since being here in Antigua, where the sacraments are just so available.  There are churches everywhere with multiple daily masses a day, and I feel like most of the time you could find a priest to confess to.  There is also a 24 adoration chapel about three blocks from my house.

The thought of doing a year of mission work is very different from what I am experiencing here in Central America so far.  In the past, my faith has always had ups and downs.  I go on a mission trip or to a Catholic conference, and I am on a high.  After a while I come down from that high and fall into a rut.  And that has been my pattern.

Something that excited me about going on mission is that I might finally get out of that pattern.  I might not fall into those ruts anymore, and ideally I would stay on a spiritual high long term.  But what I have learned instead has been far more profound and humbling than the satisfaction of feeling the presence of God.

Feeling that presence is amazing, and something I think we all want.  It is comforting to feel God's presence in my life.  But if I don't get that warm fuzzy feeling, if I don't feel comforted, does that mean that the Holy Spirit is not working in my heart? Absolutely not.  God is always there.

I often think about Saint Theresa of Calcutta.  She struggled with doubt, spiritual darkness and dry prayer for years.  But I do not have a doubt in my mind that the Holy Spirit was moving within her, and that the Lord was using her to do his work.  Just like all of us are called to be instruments of the Lord.

No matter what we feel or don't feel, we must always seek the Lord, knowing that he is waiting with open arms.  And trust me I'm someone with A LOT of feelings.  Feelings are great.  But what is even better is truth.  And what I know to be true is that God is guiding me.

You don't have to have a turning point, one big moment, some kind of revelation.  You don't have to throw your hands up in the air, burst into tears, not everyone has a dramatic story with a big moment to tell.  Those moments are great.  But ultimately what we are called to do is seek the Lord.

So pray, seek the sacraments, go to mass and confession, go to adoration.  So you might not get that Jesus high that you may be after.  That's okay, because the Lord delights in knowing you.  And no matter what you feel, God has you in his hands, and you're safe with him.

This coming weekend, we’re taking a trip to Lago de Atitlán where we get to go to Father Stanley Rother’s mission in Santiago Atitlán on the day of his beatification! If you don’t know his story check it out here because my next post is going to include some of my experiences there.  Until next time!

Paz y bien,

Cat

Here I am in my fourth week in Antigua, Guatemala, with four more weeks to go! My time here has had its ups and downs, all beautiful in their own way.  I’ve taken salsa classes, gotten completely soaked in the afternoon rain (which has become pretty much a daily thing now), met people from all over the world, shared my faith with people of all different backgrounds, learned a TON of Spanish, sprained my ankle, laughed until I cried, and so much more.

    It hasn’t all been easy.  Spanish is hard, but I’m getting there, poco a poco.  Sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself for not knowing everything I wish I knew, but then I have to remember that I’m just a person and it’s going to take time. I just have to trust in the Lord.

    Now that the other new missionaries have arrived (except one who will meet up with us in Honduras), I am getting to know each one of them as a friend over the past week.  They are all such kind and caring examples of what it means to follow Christ.  Not to mention, they are all so hilarious and such a joy to be around.  I feel so lucky to be able to serve with them for the next year.  I’m especially excited after we had our missionary retreat this past weekend where we learned more about Finca del Niño, its history, its missionaries and its children.  I am so eager to be there and start serving!  Keep everyone at the Finca in your prayers, the Holy Spirit is doing great things there.

In my transition into living here, I have felt some of the sacrifices of dropping everything and moving to Central America for this mission.  I see friends from school setting up their classrooms, getting into the swing of things as the school year kicks off in the States, and it is a bit hard because that was my dream for so long.  But, one day, that will happen for me, too, and what I am doing now is so good.  I was reading a reflection the other day on this verse:

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is a merchant seeking goodly pearls: and having found one pearl of great price, he went and sold all that he had, and bought it.”

-Matthew 13:45-46

    The reflection that went along with it talked about missionaries who left their homes and went to foreign lands to preach the Kingdom of God.  While part of me feels the sting of the sacrifice of not being able to set up my very own classroom, meet all my future students and their families, and start being a “real adult” (yeah right),  I am so lucky to be called to this mission.  No matter what I might selfishly be missing, the Kingdom of God is the most precious pearl and it is totally and completely worth it.  

    After reflecting on this, I prayed a rosary and the closing prayer I was reading started, “Oh God, whose only begotten son, by His life, death, and resurrection, has purchased for us the rewards of eternal salvation.”  And then I realized, WE are Jesus’s precious pearl.  He made the ultimate sacrifice for us, and that is so mind-blowingly beautiful to me. It all came together so seamlessly, God was speaking to me in that moment, giving me comfort.

Keep praying for us missionaries as we prepare to serve, the current missionaries as they continue serving in this very special place, and of course the children, that they grow into followers of Christ.

Well, I made it to Guatemala!  One week down, five more to go before we head to Honduras, not that I'm counting down or anything because I really do like it here.  I am living with a host family which is really just one woman and some other students that are visiting here, too.  She goes by the name of "Chiky" which is a kind of cookie I bought at the market the other day so I'm not really sure if there is a story behind that or if it's just a coincidence.  I'll try to find more out once I know enough Spanish to ask.

Every day, I get up, eat breakfast with my host family and go to school.  I sit with my teacher, Emilia, for four hours one on one and she teaches me Spanish mostly just by talking to me, asking me questions, and having me answer, or having me ask her questions.  I have already filled almost half my notebook with notes and I'm not exaggerating when I say I probably have at least 500 vocab words to study. The good news is I have plenty of time to practice and learn.  In the afternoons, we have been going to mass at the church near our school, studying in coffee shops, and just exploring the city.



Christopher, Ruthie, and Me at Cerro de La Cruz

Two other missionaries are here right now, with more to come.  The two here in Antigua are Christopher and Ruthie.  I have known them for exactly a week now, but it feels like more.  We do a lot of things as a group.  We've done some venturing out in Antigua.  On Sunday, we hiked up to Cerro de La Cruz (Hill of the Cross) where you have a great view of the city and of Volcano Agua, one of the three volcanoes in Antigua.



Beautiful view on our hike up Volcan Pacaya 

On Wednesday, we hiked a volcano about an hour and a half outside of  Antigua called Volcano Pacaya.  That was a much longer hike than I realized it would be, but it was worth it in the end.  We could see the volcano spitting up lava every once in a while from the peak where we were which was crazy! And then we roasted marshmallows over the heat from a vent in the volcano.  While we were at the top, it started raining really hard which made the hike down just more of an adventure.

Every day here gets better and better as I learn more, get to know my fellow missionaries (who I can't believe I have only known for a week), and take comfort in the knowledge that God has an incredible plan for me.  I am so full of joy and so thankful for the experiences and the people the Lord has put into my life, friends both old and new, family, and all the people who have made this possible.



"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7